Buy Fred's Astounding Book!
Proven to cure scurvy and grow hair on bald men. You can smack bugs with it.
"The Great Possum-Squashing and Beer Storm of 1962"
Yes! Finally! The collected Fred On Everything! Guaranteed to raise blood pressure where it needs to be raised, and bring smiles to sensible people, all three dozen of them, who don't have a whole lot to smile about these days. The country's premier West Virginian, C&W-listening, dirt-bar-loving wild-eyed sociopath tells it like it is about sex, race, social Stalinism, affirmative action, Elvis, guns, idiocy, his boyhood in the South and his wonderful fitty-sedden Chevy, the Pluke Bucket. (Note: His essay entitled, "White Males: Are They Actually Gods?" has been classified by the Department of Transportation as an incendiary substance, and cannot legally be taken on buses.) Buy a dozen copies and send them anonymously to people you can't stand. Buy another dozen and send them to your favorite folk. Or just send lots of money to Fred.
To order from Amazon, click here whereupon in a miraculous display of hidden web wizardry, involving IP packets and TCP headers and lots of electrons and weird hexadecimal numbers with letters in them, you will go to Amazon.com, which peddles the sucker shamelessly. Enter "Fred Reed" in the little search-box thingy in the upper left, scroll past the other Fred Reeds, and the book itself will appear like magic.
What People Are Saying About "The Great Possum-Squashing"
An Actual President's Testimonial!
"I . . . have . . . never . . . had sex with Fred's book." -- William Jefferson Clinton. (Let's hope.)
Encrypted Praise From The Literate Right!
"Velleity. Bravura. Epiphenomenon. Zeugma. Terpsichore. Eschatological. Kerygma. Retromingent. Epistolary. Hermetic. Irredentism. Litotes. Supercallifragilisticexpiallidocious." -- William F. Buckley, Jr.
Fred's Book Shown To Cure Erectile Dysfunction! "According to the New England Journal of Medicine, Pfizer Laboratories found that 1,732 white mice, of the genetically engineered impotent strain 3zw4, gained full function when allowed to nest in Fred's book. The researchers said that the book should be read with caution, especially by the elderly and when driving. In a footnote, Pfizer says it is now selling bulk-lot mice." -- AP.
Fred's Book Proven Effective Against Screechy Feminists! "I held Fred's book in front of her the first time she said, "Patriarchy." She turned purple, and then her head exploded. It was wonderful." -- Stuart Wilder, Fathers For Fair Divorce Law.
Fred's Book Proven Structurally Sound!
"Without a doubt, Fred's book is the best doorstop ever conceived. Our readers have ordered thousands." -- American Construction Monthly.
©Fred Reed 2000. All rights reserved.
|