Being a military thinker of the profoundest sort, I offer the following manual
of martial affairs for nations yearning to copy the American way of war. Read
it carefully. Great clarity will result. The steps limned below will facilitate
disaster without imposing the burden of reinventing it. The Pentagon may print
copies for distribution.
(1) Underestimate the enemy. Fortunately this is easy when a technologically
advanced power prepares to attack an underdeveloped nation. Its enemy's citizens
will readily be seen as gadgetless, primitive, probably genetically stupid,
and hardly worth the attention of a real military.
(2) Avoid learning anything about the enemy—his culture, religion,
language, history, or response to past invasions. These things don’t
matter since the enemy is gadgetless, primitive, and probably genetically
stupid. Anyway, knowledge would only make the enlisted ranks restive, and
confuse the officer corps.
Blank ignorance of the language is especially desirable (as well as virtually
guaranteed). For one thing, it will allow your troops to be seen as brutal
invaders having nothing in common with the population; this helps in winning
hearts and minds. For another, it will allow English-speaking officials of
the puppet government to vet such information about the country as they permit
you to have.
(3) Explain the invasion to the American public in simple moral terms suitable
for middle-school children at an evangelical summer camp: We are bombing cities
to bring the gift of democracy and American values, or to defeat some vague
but frightening evil, perhaps lurking under the bed, or to get rid of a bad
dictator no longer of service to us, or to bring freedom and prosperity to
any survivors. (This doesn’t work in Europe, which is honestly imperialistic.)
The public can then feel a sense of unappreciated virtue when the primitives
resist. Sententious moralism should always trump reason.
(4) A misunderstanding of military reality helps. Besides, comprehension
would only lead to depression. As Napoleon said, or may have, in war the moral
is to the material as three is to one, which implies that unpleasant facts
should be played down in favor of cultivating a cheerful attitude. Most especially,
it should not be noted that a few tens of thousands of determined, probably
genetically-stupid primitives with small arms can tie down a cheerful force
however gaudily armed.
Pay no attention to tactics, which are boring. It should never enter your
mind that in this sort of war, if you don’t win, you lose; if the enemy
doesn’t lose, he wins. Think about something else. Above all, do not
understand that the enemy’s target is not you, but public opinion at
home. You don't need to remember this, as the enemy will remember it for you.
(5) Do not forget that a military’s reason for existence is to close
with the enemy and destroy him. An army is not in the social-services business.
Do not let the mission be impeded by touchy-feely considerations. If you have
to kill seventeen children to get a sniper, so be it. The enemy must realize
that you mean business. Ignore cultural traits, which are of concern only
to idealistic civilians. Grope the enemy’s women. High-profile rapes
are a good idea as they teach respect. It is better to be feared than loved.
Be sure the embassy has a helipad.
(6) Intellectual insularity should be a primary goal, as it avoids distraction.
This salubrious condition can be achieved by having officers read Tom Clancy
instead of history. In military discourse it also helps to encourage the use
of phrases like “force multiplier” and “multi-dimensional
warfare,” as these increase confidence without meaning anything.
Remember that doctrine and optimism should always outweigh history and common
sense. Discourage colonels and above from reading about similar campaigns
fought by other amies, as this might lead to nagging doubts, conceivably even
to thought. Encourage the belief that other countries have lost wars by being
inferior to the United States. “The French lost in Viet Nam? What else
would you expect from the French? Never happen to us.”
Some military philosophers favor actually removing from military libraries
books on what happened to the French in Viet Nam, the Americans in Viet Nam,
the Russians in Afghanistan, the Americans in Afghanistan (a work in progress),
the French in Algeria, the Americans in Iraq (also in progress), the Israelis
in Lebanon the first time, the Israelis in Lebanon the last time, the Americans
in Lebanon 1983, the Americans in Somalia the first time, and so on. However,
the best thinkers hold that it doesn’t matter what books are in military
libraries, as only those on stirring victories will be checked out.
(7) Keep up to date with the latest nostrums and silver bullets. Organize
your military as a lean, mean, high-tech force characterized by lightning
mobility, enormous firepower, and extraordinary unsuitability for the kind
of wars it will actually have to fight. Flacks from the PR department of Lockheed
will help in this. Recognize that an advanced fighter plane costing two hundred
million dollars, invisible to radar, employing dazzling electronic countermeasures,
and able to cruise at supersonic speed, is exactly the thing for fighting
a rifleman in a basement in Baghdad. Such aircraft are crucial force multipliers
in multi-dimensional warfare. Anyway, Al Quaeda might field an advanced air
force at any moment. It pays to be ready.
(8) It is a good idea to bracket your exposure. Be ready for wars past and
future, but not present. The Pentagon does this well. Note that the current
military, an advanced version of the WWII force, is ready should the Imperial
Japanese Navy return. It also has phenomenally advanced weaponry in the pipeline
to take on a space-age enemy, perhaps from Mars, should one appear. It is
only the present for which the US is not prepared. .
(9) View things in a large context. People who have little comprehension
of the military tend to focus exclusively on winning wars, missing the greater
importance of the Pentagon as an economic flywheel. Jobs are more important
than wars fought in bush-world countries. An American military ought to think
of Americans first. This is simple patriotism. It is essential to spend as
much money as possible on advanced weapons that have no current use, and none
in sight, but produce jobs in congressional districts. Good examples are the
F-22 fighter, the F-35, the Airborne Laser, the V-22, and the ABM.
(10) Insist that the US military never loses wars. Instead, it is betrayed,
stabbed in the back, and brought low by treason. For example, argue furiously
that the US didn’t lose in Viet Nam, but won gloriously; the withdrawal
was due to the treachery of Democrats, Jews, hippies, the press, most of the
military, and a majority of the general population, all of whom were traitors.
This avoids the unpleasantness of learning anything from defeat. Further,
it facilitates a focus on controlling the press, who are the real enemy, along
with the Democrats and the general population.
(11) Avoid institutional memory. Not having lost of course means that there
is nothing to remember. Instead, read stirring novels and cultivate a cheerful,
can-do attitude unintimidated by primitives in sand-lot countries, who are
probably genetically stupid.
(12) Do it all again next time.
